Raised right, gone wrong...

I've been busy. And I've also been trying to stay cool in this fucking heat. I dance at night and during the day, I sleep in my very, very dark bedroom next to the AC which runs full blast. AC is crucial in Florida. I know a few people who try and live without it (too much money for them to run), but baby, I gotta have my cool air. And yeah, I'm a homegrown country girl from Georgia, but no way am I trying to sleep in this heat and humidity.

Ok, apart from that...I've been working the summer crowds of drunk young men. Last night one of the girls I work with got so drunk that when she was getting dressed in the locker room, she dropped sixteen $100 bills on the floor!! I picked them up and gave them back to her, but some of the girls gave me shit for this. They would've kept the money. Bitch deserved it, one said to me.

Look, I may be struggling with my spiritual place in life, but I was raised right, for the most part. My folks are Christian and I felt like if I hadn't given the money back, my dad would've been disappointed. Not that my folks and I talk much anymore. They obviously have "issues" with what I do. I've gone the wrong path in life.

But hey, it keeps the AC on.

On another note, do you think I would be a better minister if I were Christian? The funeral I officiated at got me thinking about a lot of things. Maybe there is an afterlife and maybe I will see my friends again.

I kept my reading close to the heart about who my friend really was and did some readings from the Minister's Service Manual:

"What was his creed?
I do not know his creed, I only know
That here below, he walked the common road
And lifted many a load, lightened the task,
Brightened the day for others toiling on a weary way;
This, his only meed; I do not know his creed."

Ok, so I gotta ask though....what is the meaning behind meed? Isn't that supposed to be mead? As in the drink?

Anyway, we did scatter his ashes from horseback. I went inward after getting back from N. Carolina so I could process what happened. And make some money.

I ended up with plenty last night. Gotta keep it going. BTW..what think you all of my new UV light costume? Guys were loving this late last night....

Life goes on....

Well, it's been a hell of a week. My friend passed away two days ago. And this isn't the only friend I've lost in the last few months. Another one died after getting an infection while undergoing cancer treatments. Shit. This life thing is difficult and hard. His wife has asked me if I would officiate the funeral. Why not? He was a good friend and he never judged me by what I did.

Actually, we met a long time ago as he was one of my clients at a club I was working at. I never did lap dances for him or anything...he was older than me too. But after he'd been in a few times, I met him outside of work for a drink and we really connected. As friends. I mean I was married at the time. This was when I used to live in Miami (another long story). Anyway, he taught me how to handicap horses (this was his job at the time...a handicapper with the track before he retired). Anyway, we used to go down to the track and it was so much fun to see how he did it. We often won too. It was a looong ass time before he finally got around to telling his wife he'd befriended a stripper. And she wasn't exactly thrilled about our friendship either. But we continued being friends, I even met his daughter (who became a friend too). Some years went by, I lost my husband, moved to Panama City and his family moved to North Carolina... But we kept in touch.

So I'm going back at the end of the week to officiate his funeral. My first one. I'm super nervous and now I'm going to sit down with Jimmy and figure out how to do this. Maybe there are tutorials on line? So yeah, my first debut as a Universal Life Minister...and it's a funeral of one of my best friends.

Any suggestions? He wasn't strictly Christian, but he did believe in God and an afterlife.... Which is something I'm starting to question.

Death comes in many forms....

So I've got to fly to North Carolina tomorrow to see my friend who's been put into the hospice.  God, this is awful.  I was NOT focused on my shift last night.  Though I will say the world's creepiest guy was focused on me.  He paid well, I'll give him that.  And he wasn't a grease ball.  He had money, gold watch, nice clothes...and he was alone.  Just sat there next to my station and paid for a few dances.  He smelled like fucking Ax Body Spray or something.

The creepy part about him was his staring.  Cold, calculated eyes.  Dead eyes.  I'd rather have a nervous drunk any day...

Back to my friend...if any of my new minister friends have sage advice in how I can best be there for him as someone who wants to use all her life experiences to start her own ministry, then please email me or leave a comment.  I'm nervous about seeing him, but I've been through a lot of bad things in life...so I'm not naive.  I lost my husband and I never thought I'd get over that, to be honest.

But I'm too young to be losing friends.  Aren't we all? Death comes in many guises.  From the guy last night inhabiting a living body to the specter knocking at my friend's door.

Life is short...so I gotta find a date

ok.  I'll admit it.  It's hard keeping up a blog.  I don't have to be at work for a few hours and it's hot as fuck out right now, so I'm pecking away at the keys now.  I like this keeping a diary online bit because it does remind me, day to day, of what I think I want to do....  And what I've actually done.  Yeah...

Anyway, I just found out my friend is gravely ill.  and it's really thrown me for a loop.  He was fine until a month ago.  then he lost all this weight (like 30 lbs) and had trouble breathing.  He wrote me a few emails talking about how scared he was feeling and I wrote back saying I was thinking about him and I was sure he would be fine.  Then they got him to the hospital and he was put into the ICU.  I didn't know this and just thought he was recuperating.  I called his wife yesterday asking how he was doing and she said he'd gone to the ICU.  And that he has Lou Gehrig's diesease.  Fuck!

They are moving him to a hospice to die on Wed.  How has this happened?  This also challenges my whole approach to wanting to minister to people.  I got this minister's handbook from the Universal Life Church, and in it there's a chapter on "The Minister Serves in Time of Illness, Trouble, or Sorrow."

There's this bit about what to do and say (mostly prayers) when someone is in the hospital, but it's really geared for Christians, and my friend isn't a christian.  So I don't know.  Perhaps the best thing I can do is visit him soon...  That's so hard though, you know?  But I wouldn't want to be in an hospice knowing my time was up and not say goodbye to people.  It affects everyone differently though.

I feel like I should write my OWN prayers and whatnot.  But I don't know if I'm a good enough writer for that sort of thing.  Thinking about all of this and my friend is depressing, but it needs thinking about too.

On another note...  I've decided that while I'm alive, it's time I got back out there and met some men again.  I think I mentioned I was married once before, but he was killed a few years ago.  I've been gun shy ever since.  I know the assumption is that since I'm a stripper, dating ain't no big thing.  But that's not true...  We do meet a LOT of creeps though.  I'm looking not to meet a creep.  Maybe I'll get lucky like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...hahaha!

What a weird day.  I just hope my night isn't.