What would Jesus tip?

Last night, I had to work some private parties. This happens a lot and it's good because it means more money. But some of these private parties are downright weird, as I'm sure y'all can imagine. Sometimes, I work these shindigs with my girlfriend Penni Pandora and tonight it looked like it was going to be the both of us. We got ready at my place and Jimmy picked us up at nine. The party was at a house way out in the burbs.

When we got there, I was able to immediately tell what kind of dudes we were dealing with...white rednecks. There were big trucks parked in the driveway and down the street. When we got in there, I could see the guys were all in their twenties. Which I don't like because I'm thinking in terms of tips. Black guys will tip, white rednecks in their twenties don't.

Anyway, the dancing was fine. It was a bachelor party, so Jimmy got the money up front. There was a lot of beer, some which got spilled on us. And we were there for all of two hours and I went home with $150. Not bad. Not great. Like I said, better tips would have been nice.

Here's the thing, these boys were Christians. Or at least there were bibles in the house and a large cross in the living room with a rebel flag to boot. Do you think they really go to church or practice at being good Christians? No. They do practice at being good 'ole boys though. What Jesus do? Would he hire strippers? See this is why I have a hard time with the whole belief system. So much hypocrisy. And I'm betting, if my tip jar (what they stuff into my g-string) was any indication, they don't put much into the collection plate on Sundays either.

**** Jimmy (he helps me write this stuff) says if you are interested in hiring me and Penni for private parties, you should drop us an email.

Strippers for Jesus...

Everyone has an opinion on strippers.  It's not really a neutral subject, you know?  You either hate them or love them.  But strippers are people too.   We have feelings, friends, families, lovers, children.  Some of us go to church even.  I know a lot of strippers who love Jesus.  Strippers for Jesus.  This is NOT unusual.  There are even HOOKERS for Jesus (see above photo).

Me?  I'm neutral on that subject.  I went through a lot of guilt when I was in high school because I had an abortion, but in my defense, the guy was in his twenties and he ended up over in Iraq where he was killed. He was killed later though, after the abortion.  But when I had it I had to go with my mother and she was so disappointed in me and she prayed I would find Jesus.

I just remember staring at Jesus hanging on the cross that was on my wall after the surgery and crying...thinking he was the eyes of the world and he could see me.  That everyone could.  Then I stopped believing and life got better.

So here I am, taking it all off at night and swinging on my stripper pole.  A guy came in last night.  He had these eyes...creepy, you know?  Like someone who crawled out of a meth trailer somewhere in the swamp.  He had me lap dance for him and he gave my a $500 tip!  Wanted me to meet him at the motel.  Jimmy usually handles that stuff (can't tell you who Jimmy is or how that works obviously) but I didn't go.  Now, I'm scared some meth freak will be waiting for me after work.   With that dark greasy hair and meth eyes.  Ugh!

So as you can see, this lifestyle is no picnic.  But I did pay my rent and the cable bill, so there!

I'm thinking I want to take my ministry to the next level as what I do outside of work.  I'm a Universal Life Church Headquarters minister and I want to marry  people.  You might not believe it, but it happens all the time in my business.  Maybe one of the girls wants to get married to some rich foreigner to get him a green card.  Or maybe a vacationing couple wants a hot stripper wedding.  I can do it!  I'm your girl!

But what I really would like to have are video tutorials on how to become a minister and do it right.  Should I be asking the happy couple questions before marrying them?  Should I guide them in writing or renewing their vows?  How does it work?  I want to advertise my services, but I'm a bit at a loss....  Grrrrr....  Hopefully it will all become clearer one day, right?

Maybe in my next post, I'll tell you about the time I was married.  yeah, that's right.  Little ole me!